Its true, that today, of all days, I am in a grim mood.
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Its grimmer than normal and for many a reason. Irsquo;ve been keeping a secret from most of the people around me, and more so from the person it actually concerns, although after the chat wersquo;ve just had, I think theyrsquo;re more than likely under the impression something may be wrong because of the questions they were asking.
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Firstly, though, I want to address something that this journal had regarding a post I made a little bit ago. Feedback.
Katie Sutton wrote a little bit regarding that if shersquo;d been in Derby, shersquo;d have come to meet me at the event I eventually cancelled. Then there was the piece of feedback that I got from my close friend Debbie, which I decided to print as a whole journal entry in its own right.
Finally, therersquo;s the feedback that none of you saw. Nice little piece of feedback, done in a way that there was no way I could defend myself. No way I could explain what was actually going on. Done in the way that I had no direct way to respond to day ldquo;Read it again, and remember to pull your head out of your arse before you fly off the handle once morerdquo; �
Oh yes, this may be petty, and it may seem little of me, but to be honest, if you want to spout off at me on MSN and then not give me a chance to reply before you block me, then Irsquo;m going to be forced to use other methods to get my personal little message across. (Irsquo;m not going to name names here, because as much as a douche bag I may seem, Irsquo;m not that bad)
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ldquo;do you set out to piss me off with your lj posts or something. You really are unbelieveable. I didnt use you, so you can stop posting shit like that on ljrdquo;
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Ok. Now, let me clue you in on something here, because I think I know whatrsquo;s happened herehellip; you read the bit in red, under where it said ldquo;just under a year agordquo; and actually thought it meant something completely different. What you thought ldquo;just under a year agordquo; meant, only you can answer.
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What Irsquo;m going to do now, is put what I wrote for this time last year, and Irsquo;ll write it in red, (like I do with all past events) to help you set it apart
.
ldquo;New look, New life, new me. This brand new John isnapos;t going to get used anymore. This brand new John isnapos;t going to get hurt any more. Because thatrsquo;s what happens when you let someone get close who hurts you.� You get cold and hard. I havenapos;t got time for people who are going to use me for comfort when they need it, but vanish when� I need help. Iapos;ve been through that already back in May, and let it happen again. Its my time now. No more abuse, and no more hurt.rdquo;
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Ok, so that was October 2007. Feel free to see the original post by going to this link
Now Irsquo;m going to put what I then wrote after that, regarding now, at this moment in my life. Just to avoid confusion, Irsquo;ll do it in another colour.
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ldquo;Irsquo;ve just been looking back over the past year. I was hoping I could look back at then, and look at now and say that everything was completely different. Guess again.
Regarding the first point, I know that Irsquo;ve change a little. Indeed, I do look different, and yes, I did indeed day that I wasnrsquo;t going to get hurt anymore. I really wish I hadnrsquo;t said it quite the way I did. Let me explain.
�I havenrsquo;t been hurt again, because I havenrsquo;t let myself get close to anyone. Whenever Irsquo;ve been in the situation where I may have been getting close, Irsquo;ve sabotaged it completely, either by accident or design.
I think in some ways I have grown a lot colder than I used to be. Irsquo;m sometimes reluctant to help people, and sometimes I can be very short and down right grim towards them. Irsquo;ve cut some people out of my life and others Irsquo;ve shown sheer contempt.
On the other side, if you get past the layer of ice, somehow, and get through the layers and layers of this disguise that I wear you tend to find the person that will still be willing to help a friend in dire need, and Irsquo;ve also started opening up to real people more. Therersquo;s a select four or five who Irsquo;ve become almost dependent on sometimes because of theyrsquo;re the only ones I really trust to share my real feelings with. You know who I am, and I thank you.rdquo;
Now, forgive me if Irsquo;m wrong, but where does it say anywhere on there that I felt like Irsquo;d been used? �It says, pretty much that I havenrsquo;t let anyone else get close enough to hurt me, and in turn, Irsquo;ve ended up hurting myself. Nowhere does it say that I felt used again, because I havenrsquo;t let anyone get close enough to me to use me.
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�ldquo;do you set out to piss me off with your lj posts or something. You really are unbelieveable. I didnt use you, so you can stop posting shit like that on ljrdquo;
Your comments were unjust, uncalled for and unfair. To make them, and then to block me and not give me a chance to defend myself shows to me just how bitter, and possibly twisted you are.
No, I didnrsquo;t set off on another Live Journal adventure with you specifically in mind, and to be completely honest, you havenrsquo;t crossed my mind since the last time I told you not to talk to me like a piece of trash. I wrote what I wrote as I wanted to do a comparison piece on last year and this year. This whole entry so far has been about you, because Irsquo;ve been sat here wound up for just under a week thinking maybe, just maybe, yoursquo;d actually come back and say ldquo;yeah, Irsquo;m sorry, I was a bit out of order, and yes, Irsquo;m aware I should of actually read what you wrote before spouting off a lot of crossed wired bullshit and thus putting myself up in there in your collection of people who excel in douchebaggeryrdquo;, but guess what, it didnrsquo;t happen. Irsquo;ve given you enough time, and that clocks just stopped ticking. Times up, and bam this is what you get.
Someone else did this to me once before and got the same treatment. Remember? This was because of what happened with me and you, but she had the decency to say sorry after printing something and not giving me a chance to explain.
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In future, donrsquo;t assume something that hasnrsquo;t even been written in the first place anyway, is about you. After your last rant, I pushed you right out of my head, why the hell on the day before my 25th birthday, would I begin to get the wrong kind of sentimental and write about something that clearly hasnrsquo;t happened? If I felt like Irsquo;d been used, donrsquo;t you think it would have ended up in here with all the other misdemeanours that have happened over the past few years?
Honey, yoursquo;ve just been served.
Other news.
Debbie, therersquo;s a good chance you were reading this, as yoursquo;ve told me you have subscribed to some sort of service Google has that tells you when I post an entry, well, I hope yoursquo;ve enjoyed it so far. You told me in your email that you wanted to see a more positive entry. Although its been by no means positive, its been more of a return to ldquo;old skoolrdquo; me, like I said I was going to return to a few entries ago. I hope its been a refreshing change for you, as it has me. After writing that two page response, I feel pretty damn good, its taken a lot off my chest. I had a fantastic birthday, even hosting a quiz which was brilliant, but that one thing that happened the night before sullied it. This was my closure
The 25th of October is coming very close. Irsquo;ve decided to take some more positive steps in my life to restart another golden age in my life. Irsquo;m going to get happy or die trying. This started last night where I put myself in a position to get hurt now before everything gets out of hand and I get into a position where Irsquo;m miserable for another 18 months. As twisted as it sounds, I have definitely taken the right step with that choice, I already feel brilliant about it.
On the 25th of October, everything changes. Including myself.
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